Julie Nguyen is a relationship coach, Enneagram educator, and former matchmaker based in New York. She has a degree in Communication and Public Relations from Purdue University.
September 19, 2022Knowing your partner's love language can serve as a window into how they give and receive love.
For people who love with acts of service, love is not felt as much with abstract words and intention as it is with visible action and follow-through.
Here's everything you need to know about the pragmatic love language.
The five love languages are five different ways of expressing and receiving love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise, people have different ways they prefer to receive love.
An act of service is the physical expression of a thoughtful gesture. It's one of the five love languages, which are specific styles of showing love.
At its core, an act of service is about someone going out of their way to meaningfully help and support the other person.
When people take initiative to ease some of their responsibilities and burdens, it helps them feel taken care of, safe, and loved in return.
Holistic therapist Medina Colaku, M.A., LAc, tells mbg, "An act of service is about dedicated time and effort, usually in a nonverbal way. It is quite literally showing up in ways that are tangible, meaning actions speak louder than words."
Below are examples of what different acts of services can look like. Apply imagination and your own understanding of the person's distinctive preferences to ensure the act will be recognized and appreciated.
While going through the list, remember that an act of service is about more than doing household chores, delivering on some high-octane grand gesture, or how much one can accommodate their every desire to please them.
It's really about going after a much more emotionally subtle feeling where they feel like they can trust you to have their back, for the small and the big things.
To strike the right balance in giving and avoid burnout, pay attention to their daily activities and notice where you can check things off their to-do list. Then, fold that into your schedule naturally.
Gary Chapman combined his lessons from his marriage counseling and linguistics background to develop his book The 5 Love Languages.
The theory describes the five ways he believes we best interpret, give, and communicate love: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
For those whose primary love language is acts of service, they will appreciate the tactile, palpable steps you are taking to enhance or simplify their life by making it a little bit easier.
When they don't have to worry about the little but big things that give them stress, it allows them to fully show up as a partner and reciprocate love from a place of abundance.
Colaku typically incorporates the love languages quiz into her clinical work to help facilitate understanding and conversations between individuals and couples.
She finds it can be useful for people to examine how upbringing, attachment style, and experiences with early caregivers may have shaped their love language so they can see where the other person is coming from.
"Discussing the love languages is an opportunity to be vulnerable with each other, as it allows us to go beyond simply discussing how we want things to be executed in the relationship but also how we came to translate that act of service equals being loved," she says.
"When thinking about acts of service, think about how you can improve their quality of life by planning ahead or freeing up their time to spend on other things," advises psychotherapist Kira Yakubov, LMFT.
It shows that there's been consideration for their needs and that you're doing things to put a smile on their face. "This can range from small acts such as making a coffee to go for them in the morning to save a few minutes to putting jumper cables and a backup battery in their car."
Colaku says it is highly beneficial to explore and inquire into what they're specifically looking for. "Be mindful and recognize what your partner states that they appreciate, what they don't enjoy doing, as well as observing how they live their daily life in action."
Pay attention to things your partner says they don't enjoy doing or don't have time for. This can be small acts like making the bed every morning or brewing their morning coffee. This will show your partner you pay close attention to their needs and are willing to make their life a little easier.
Yakubov recommends a few tips for fostering intimacy with this type of love language:
"Look out for the small things that would brighten their day by meeting a future needs of theirs such as packing them an umbrella when it might rain or bringing snacks to a long event," Yakubov suggests. Broaden what you can do for them by filtering it through what they would appreciate. By focusing too much on fulfilling stereotypical domestic responsibilities, we run the risk of missing out on what they really need.
People tend to criticize their spouse the loudest in the area where they have an emotional need. If that's the case, what do you notice they complain about the most? How can you bring support to those areas?
It could be helpful to have them write out a weekly list. Better yet, Yakubov says, "Ask them what tasks or activities they struggle with, or where they get frustrated, to see the areas where you can provide help." If you're specialized or naturally equipped with skills that your partner is lacking to fulfill some practical obligations, that's a great place to step in.
"Express your appreciation for their acts of service toward you. Even if their love language is not words of affirmation, showing their actions are noticed and appreciation goes a long way," she says. It's always good to practice showing our partner love in a multitude of ways.
Since they're hyperfocused on acts of service, they want to know they can rely on their partner to see the commitment through. If it doesn't happen, they can become resentful or disappointed. If they ask you to help with something and you agree, make sure you deliver on the promise.
Acts of service is not as straightforward as the other love languages since it largely depends on your subjective experience and the priorities you have in your life.
Observation can only go so far, and since you can't read each other's minds, it's important that there are conversations about met and unmet expectations and what both parties are hoping for. This can defuse underlying tension and conflict later on.
"This is not a one-time conversation but rather an ever-evolving conversation where the partners can check in with one another weekly, biweekly, or monthly to touch base on how their needs are being met by each other and if they are satisfied," Colaku explains.
Frequent communication is essential so couples aren't practicing the love languages theory robotically to gain affection but rather using it for what it's intended to be: a jumping-off point to develop a deeper curiosity with each other.
By paying attention to each other's love language and supplying your partner with plenty of acts of service, these mundane obligations and pesky household chores can be transformed into a powerful demonstration of love.
The 5 LOVE LANGUAGES ®, THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES ® and LOVE LANGUAGE® are trademarks owned by The Moody Bible Institute of Chicago. Dr. Gary D. Chapman is the author of the New York Times bestselling book The 5 Love Languages.